Dealing, Coping, Existing, Grieving

It has been five weeks, five days, and almost 12 hours since "THE PHONE CALL". Not a day has gone by that I haven't struggled to contain my emotions. Not a day has gone by that I haven't looked at pictures. Not a day has gone by that I haven't expected someone to say it didn't happen. Most days, I can deal with things pretty well. Some days I barely cope while other days feel like I am just existing. Throughout all of it, I grieve. Today, one of our teachers brought in her twin babies. I was excited to see them and wanted to hold them. All of a sudden, the tears began and I had to escape to avoid losing control in the school lobby. So, I ran away to my classroom. While trying to settle myself down before the next round of students came in (thankfully it was lunchtime), I stumbled onto this website, on grieving and comfort. I really like some of the suggestions and thought I'd pass them along, not so that others can comfort me or feel sorry for me, but so that anyone who feels as awkward as I do around others who are grieving can have some help in comforting or being around someone who has experienced loss. From the website... (My thoughts are those that look like this.)

• Never rush those grieving.


• Don't push those grieving to "get it all out" or express their grief. (Everyone grieves in their own time.)


• There doesn't always have to be a lesson such as "The Lord has something more in store," or "The Lord must have needed him more than we did." (Most people probably know this stuff, but at the moment, they may just want to grieve.


• Don't say, "If you need anything, let me know." Grieving individuals are often too overwhelmed to think of things for you to do. Instead say, "I want to help share your burden. Would it be helpful if I were to ..."


• Don't let your discomfort keep you from helping, calling, or visiting! (I really like this one because I have felt this way in the past with others. I don't think I will feel the discomfort again.)


• If you're not good with words at times like this, don't use them. A simple hug goes a long way in conveying your sorrow and serving as some comfort at a difficult time. (I totally agree with this one!)


• Be available to just listen. (I have found this has helped me. I have some great listeners who ask me questions about Lucas. They're not worried about hurting my feelings because they have seen that it helps me to talk about him.)

One Perfect Heart

I wish that I could go back to the beginning of today and start it over, minus the devastating phone call from Grant. "Mom, I need to tell you something and I don't want to talk a lot about it right now." My mind instantly began flying -- Luke was back in the hospital, something happened to Kris, the baby came early -- anything but "Lucas died about a half an hour ago." Did I hear him correctly? Surely Grant would never joke over something like that. It just didn't want to register in my brain...our beautiful baby boy is gone! After morning meds, Grant heard Lucas fussing and went in to try to calm him down. Then, he realized that Luke had stopped breathing. He began CPR and Kristin called 911. Fifty minutes afterwards, the attending doctor at the hospital said he was gone. That's it. Lucas' little heart had just had enough.

I'm numb. I want to hold my son and tell him that everything is going to be all right and that Mom can fix anything. I want to hear my beautiful daughter-in-law tell me all about the latest doings in Luke's life. I want to hear what a monkey says, what a velociraptor says, what Tarzan says, what a cow says. I want to see Lucas greet his baby sister/brother and teach him/her all of the great things that he has learned in the past 21 months. I want to see that infectious grin that shows every tooth in his mouth. I want to know...WHY?

What I do know...God lives! He has a plan and knows so much more than I do or ever will. Lucas' little broken heart is now one perfect heart...but it always has been perfect. Luke's heart was perfect for the job it needed to do...it touched so many people all across the world. Hearts turned to God in unison on the day that Lucas James was born. Hearts turned to God with every day of his life in gratitude for more days with this precious boy. Hearts united during surgeries. Hearts that had never met Luke's parents were turned in support of his and their story. Hearts are desperately united tonight in supplication for comfort for Luke's parents and extended family. We feel it. What a small world this great big place is.

I also know that families are forever. Our Father provided His Son for us. His heart must have broken that day as His Son passed from mortality so that we could all be redeemed...so that we could have the opportunity to reunite with our beloveds. Because of His sacrifice, our hearts will someday be whole again as we reunite with our Lucas.

Another thing that I know, my life has forever been altered by a blue-eyed, red-headed little boy. I will never forget the feeling of snuggling him for the first time when he was nine weeks old. I will never forget playing monkeys swinging from the tree and SNAP those monkeys right out of the tree. I will never forget watching those blue eyes light up when he saw his momma or daddy. I will never forget the giggles and the screams. I will never forget watching my great goofy boy and his great goofy girl bravely put their boy into a Life-Flight ambulance the day after his birth. I will never forget the admiration I felt then and continue to feel for Luke's parents throughout his life...their sacrifices, their joys, their sorrows, their strength, their solidarity. I will never forget how much I want to be worthy to be with Lucas in the eternities.

WANTED: One front tooth!

Mia lost her first tooth last night. She has been working on it diligently since she first discovered it was "wiggly" a couple of weeks ago. Last night she worked even harder and just as she was going to bed, I made the suggestion that she try to twist it. With very little effort, she popped it right out. Giggling, she held it up to me and said, "I did it!" The tooth fairy visited last night, and Mia was excited when she found a dollar under her pillow and her tooth long gone. Now she wants to know how long it will take for the new one to grow in.