Dealing, Coping, Existing, Grieving

It has been five weeks, five days, and almost 12 hours since "THE PHONE CALL". Not a day has gone by that I haven't struggled to contain my emotions. Not a day has gone by that I haven't looked at pictures. Not a day has gone by that I haven't expected someone to say it didn't happen. Most days, I can deal with things pretty well. Some days I barely cope while other days feel like I am just existing. Throughout all of it, I grieve. Today, one of our teachers brought in her twin babies. I was excited to see them and wanted to hold them. All of a sudden, the tears began and I had to escape to avoid losing control in the school lobby. So, I ran away to my classroom. While trying to settle myself down before the next round of students came in (thankfully it was lunchtime), I stumbled onto this website, on grieving and comfort. I really like some of the suggestions and thought I'd pass them along, not so that others can comfort me or feel sorry for me, but so that anyone who feels as awkward as I do around others who are grieving can have some help in comforting or being around someone who has experienced loss. From the website... (My thoughts are those that look like this.)

• Never rush those grieving.


• Don't push those grieving to "get it all out" or express their grief. (Everyone grieves in their own time.)


• There doesn't always have to be a lesson such as "The Lord has something more in store," or "The Lord must have needed him more than we did." (Most people probably know this stuff, but at the moment, they may just want to grieve.


• Don't say, "If you need anything, let me know." Grieving individuals are often too overwhelmed to think of things for you to do. Instead say, "I want to help share your burden. Would it be helpful if I were to ..."


• Don't let your discomfort keep you from helping, calling, or visiting! (I really like this one because I have felt this way in the past with others. I don't think I will feel the discomfort again.)


• If you're not good with words at times like this, don't use them. A simple hug goes a long way in conveying your sorrow and serving as some comfort at a difficult time. (I totally agree with this one!)


• Be available to just listen. (I have found this has helped me. I have some great listeners who ask me questions about Lucas. They're not worried about hurting my feelings because they have seen that it helps me to talk about him.)

One Perfect Heart

I wish that I could go back to the beginning of today and start it over, minus the devastating phone call from Grant. "Mom, I need to tell you something and I don't want to talk a lot about it right now." My mind instantly began flying -- Luke was back in the hospital, something happened to Kris, the baby came early -- anything but "Lucas died about a half an hour ago." Did I hear him correctly? Surely Grant would never joke over something like that. It just didn't want to register in my brain...our beautiful baby boy is gone! After morning meds, Grant heard Lucas fussing and went in to try to calm him down. Then, he realized that Luke had stopped breathing. He began CPR and Kristin called 911. Fifty minutes afterwards, the attending doctor at the hospital said he was gone. That's it. Lucas' little heart had just had enough.

I'm numb. I want to hold my son and tell him that everything is going to be all right and that Mom can fix anything. I want to hear my beautiful daughter-in-law tell me all about the latest doings in Luke's life. I want to hear what a monkey says, what a velociraptor says, what Tarzan says, what a cow says. I want to see Lucas greet his baby sister/brother and teach him/her all of the great things that he has learned in the past 21 months. I want to see that infectious grin that shows every tooth in his mouth. I want to know...WHY?

What I do know...God lives! He has a plan and knows so much more than I do or ever will. Lucas' little broken heart is now one perfect heart...but it always has been perfect. Luke's heart was perfect for the job it needed to do...it touched so many people all across the world. Hearts turned to God in unison on the day that Lucas James was born. Hearts turned to God with every day of his life in gratitude for more days with this precious boy. Hearts united during surgeries. Hearts that had never met Luke's parents were turned in support of his and their story. Hearts are desperately united tonight in supplication for comfort for Luke's parents and extended family. We feel it. What a small world this great big place is.

I also know that families are forever. Our Father provided His Son for us. His heart must have broken that day as His Son passed from mortality so that we could all be redeemed...so that we could have the opportunity to reunite with our beloveds. Because of His sacrifice, our hearts will someday be whole again as we reunite with our Lucas.

Another thing that I know, my life has forever been altered by a blue-eyed, red-headed little boy. I will never forget the feeling of snuggling him for the first time when he was nine weeks old. I will never forget playing monkeys swinging from the tree and SNAP those monkeys right out of the tree. I will never forget watching those blue eyes light up when he saw his momma or daddy. I will never forget the giggles and the screams. I will never forget watching my great goofy boy and his great goofy girl bravely put their boy into a Life-Flight ambulance the day after his birth. I will never forget the admiration I felt then and continue to feel for Luke's parents throughout his life...their sacrifices, their joys, their sorrows, their strength, their solidarity. I will never forget how much I want to be worthy to be with Lucas in the eternities.

WANTED: One front tooth!

Mia lost her first tooth last night. She has been working on it diligently since she first discovered it was "wiggly" a couple of weeks ago. Last night she worked even harder and just as she was going to bed, I made the suggestion that she try to twist it. With very little effort, she popped it right out. Giggling, she held it up to me and said, "I did it!" The tooth fairy visited last night, and Mia was excited when she found a dollar under her pillow and her tooth long gone. Now she wants to know how long it will take for the new one to grow in.

Merry Christmas 2010

In 10 minutes Christmas will officially be over. I just said to Chad that I always feel I've come down off of a month-long high as I unwind on Christmas night. The gifts have all been given for better or worse, goodies made and delivered, dinner served, phone calls to family made, Christmas programs attended, decorating done, and hopefully, smiles and laughter and thoughts of our Savior added into the mix of everything that we've done during the process leading up to this one day of the year.

Our family has been very blessed this year. Mike and I are grateful that we've been able to share our home with family this year, and we're especially grateful that we were able to share Christmas with Chad, Fiona, and Mia. I'm posting just a few of the pictures from this month -- sort of a continuation from the last post about Christmas tree hunting. I hope that everyone had a wonderful and safe Christmas. I'm blessed beyond measure to have a terrific family and to know that our Savior was born for us.



Fiona and Mia at their Christmas program on December 14. Mia was quite dramatic as she sang her songs, while Fiona was a little more reserved. Both girls did a terrific job and were proud of their beautiful Christmas dresses.


Our tree after the girls finished decorating it. I mentioned before that trees we hunt tend to have quite a bit of personality and this year's tree was no exception. Fiona and Mia were proud of it because they got to do most of the decorating with their ornaments. They got out my ornaments and wanted to know the stories to all of them. It's great to share the magic of special things with our little ones!


During our Christmas break, Mike and Chad worked to get the last of the kitchen wiring and plumbing done so that we can move the temporary sink and dishwasher to their permanent homes. While Mike was working on the lights in the kitchen, Mia sneaked up the ladder under him and wanted to know what he was doing. He showed her how to twist the wiring into place. Mia is proud to tell anyone who will listen that she helped make the lights work.

Of course, Christmas isn't quite right without the homemade cookies. Fiona and Mia were concerned that Santa have just the right kind of cookies -- the kind that had shapes and frosting. We had flour and frosting EVERYWHERE! At one point the girls had flour all over their faces. Santa was treated to four big cookies with lots of frosting and sprinkles. The cookies were accompanied by a large cup of egg nog. The girls thought it was funny that Santa ate all of the cookies except one gingerbread-shaped cookie. That one was left on the plate with its head bitten off. They laughed and laughed over that.

Pillow pets!

The girls wearing the crowns that the gave to each other. They were each so proud of the fact that they were giving crowns to their sister. We got a kick out of their excitement because we knew the secret of each gift.

Santa's big surprise to the girls was Band Hero! Mia is quite a little singer and dancer while Fiona has mastered the drums. Chad was excited to get into the act, so he had the drums put together and everything else organized in no time. The house was really rocking today!

It's Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas...

It’s just barely December 20 – actually 12:08 a.m. Only one more day before the solstice and then the days will be getting longer again. I just tucked Fiona and Mia in bed after a fairly lazy day of playing Wii, watching Christmas movies, snuggling, laughing, and reading Little House in the Big Woods. It really is so great having the girls here even if I’m worn out most nights. It has been a long time since I had to be a full-time mom figure for little people. You get used to teenagers and the freedoms that come with having your children grow and up and become more independent. I wouldn’t trade any of this, it just take a readjustment.

The past few weeks have been filled with school and getting ready for Christmas. Just after Thanksgiving, the girls and I came home from school as fast as we could. We ate dinner, and then bundled up to head out into the darkness to find the perfect Christmas tree. Mike and Chad rounded up the chainsaw and the sled, and then we were off. It’s so fun to wander out onto our own property to find our Christmas tree. As in years past, our tree has it’s own personality, but that’s what you get when you get a wild Christmas tree versus a tree from a lot. Some trees are skinny with bare spots, while others might be really full and still have a bare spot. Trees can seem perfectly symmetrical when you’re checking it out for proportion, but then when you get it into the house, it’s sometimes difficult to remember which side was going to be the against-the-wall side. But, I think those are the some of the joys of hunting for your own tree to cut. Fiona and Mia were so excited to hunt for their tree in the dark. They remembered going to the Uintas with us when we lived in Utah. There, we had to drive a couple of hours to find our tree spot. Both are great experiences. Cutting a tree is a tradition that Mike and I have had since we got married. I think in our 12 years together we have only had one or two store-bought trees. Usually it has been because the weather was too bad when we were able to get everyone together to go so we bought the tree as a last resort. Anyway, we had a lot of fun tramping through the woods to find our tree. The girls rode in the sled while Papa and Chad pulled them. Besides finding our tree, the greatest thing was seeing the stars. The sky was so clear! We sang Christmas songs and laughed. Of course, I couldn’t help but feel a little nostalgia and wishfulness as I thought of my children who weren’t here with us. Someday, I hope that we can all have another tree hunt together.

Fiona and Mia have been practicing for their Christmas program at school. On Tuesday, December 14, Mike and Chad met us at school where we had a spaghetti dinner sponsored by the cheerleaders, and then we were entertained by the Ninilchik School music program. Fiona and Mia were the prettiest girls in the entire elementary. Of course, I’m not biased or anything. They sang their hearts out!

The girls have made lots of new friends at school. They love going sledding at school and they enjoy spending time in my classroom after school. While they wait for me to finish up my work after school, the girls will either play on the computer or get out paper, scissors, markers, and glue and make some type of artwork. They also enjoy the attention they get from the older kids who come into my room to visit or do work. The girls are quite popular with the secondary kids. Fiona was invited to her first slumber party last week. She was so excited to get to ride the bus with her friends and then have a sleepover. Mia has a friend who lives a few miles down the road, so she has been invited over a couple of times to play. On the Friday after school was out, both girls were at friends and then were invited to go to a craft fair for kids in Ninilchik. I picked them up after school. They had a lot of fun crafting different things. If they have glue, paper, scissors, and coloring tools, they can make a lot of fun art!

At home, Fiona and Mia are learning some responsibility. They have a list of chores to do and have been able to earn stickers. So many stickers over the course of the week equals so much money. Their chores range from feeding the dogs to brushing their teeth and putting their things away. Sometimes they don’t want to get much done, but I think that seeing the money has become an incentive to continue working hard. The girls love to play outside and aren’t nervous about being outside in the dark. We have motion sensor lights around the house so there is always some light around, and they’ve also figured out where the flashlights are kept. We bout some brace bars for the sled so that it can be safely pulled behind the 4-wheeler. They love to be pulled around the property and along our road. The girls have also discovered that the chickens are laying again and race every day to see who can get the eggs first. They told me tonight that they love being able to go outside whenever they want.

With just a few more days until Christmas, we’re getting things ready around the house. We have baking to do since Christmas can’t come without just the right cookies for Santa. We have lots of wrapping to do and some small projects to finish for other grandparents and the girls’ mom – things that the girls wanted to do. Life is busy, but otherwise, everything is just grand! I miss the rest of my children and, of course, the other grandchildren. I dream of a time when we all get Christmas together again.

Here We Go Again!

About a month ago, the snow came blustering into Alaska. Along with the weather, our lives also took a change in direction as Meghan left to try life on her own (at Grandpa and Grandma Grant's though) and Chad, Fiona, and Mia came to begin a new life together with us in Alaska. Mike and I became live-in grandparents/parents/babysitters/playmates/comforters/teachers...all of the titles that come with having children full-time in the house again. To say that we're thrilled to have our granddaughters here is an understatement, but boy are we worn out after a month. Mike has told me all along that "the girls" would be here with us eventually. I don't know why I didn't have more faith in his predictions but I should have. I guess this means I should have more faith in some of his other predictions, but those are for another time.

Chad started a new job with Home Depot. After some crazy stress with Family Services in Utah and the rescue from Papa Bill and Grandma Ann (Fiona and Mia's maternal grandparents), the girls are settling into life as students. They love exploring the outdoors around our house. They love school and the fact that they get to go swimming and that Gramma is right upstairs. They have collected the attention of my "big kids" who are curious about them and want to talk with them. I even have one senior boy who wanted to take a field trip to look at the granddaughters. The girls have been to a birthday party already, participated in a Primary program, seen A LOT of moose on the way to and from school, had a Stone Soup party, discovered that eggs come from real chickens, and are now preparing for a Christmas program. Mine and Mike's lives have gone from quiet evenings after work to hustle and bustle of math, spelling, and reading thrown in with a game of MarioKart on the Wii. The dogs love the new attention and are thrilled to be outside every minute that the girls are.

We're happy to finally be settling into routine. I've had to give Mike a little guff over the things he does for his girls, but he turns around and gives it right back -- with a new septic tank and a more reliable form of transportation richer.

As I've pondered my gratitude over the past week with Thanksgiving, I am grateful for a safe and secure place in which these little girls could find refuge. I'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has heard the countless prayers on behalf of these beautiful girls. I'm grateful that they are part of my life!

A Few of My Favorite Things

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens…
As I was splitting wood for my fire on this brisk 25 degree morning, the words to this song began running through my mind. I caught myself thinking about MY favorite things. So, while I built the fire, my favorite things began flooding my mind and I knew that I needed to write them down.

These are a few of my favorite things (in no particular order)

• giggles and grins
• mustaches (especially Mike’s)
• baking with Fiona and Mia
• puppy breath
• holding hands
• Lucas’s grin
• Jonathan’s laugh
• Natali’s big eyes and rosebud mouth
• black cocker spaniels
• Diet Pepsi (even though I know I shouldn’t)
• chick flicks (especially with my daughters, mom, and sister)
• riding my 4-wheeler on a warm day
• walking the beach in the winter
• the pigs squealing in greeting
• singing with the grandkids
• sitting in church with my brother
• curling up with a good book
• on-the-ball doctors
• Canada geese
• libraries
• writing
• watching the snow fall when I don’t have to go anywhere
• exploring new places
• talking with my parents
• girls’ trips with Mom and Michelle
• sunflowers of all colors
• tomatoes
• gardening
• the call of sandhill cranes
• back rubs
• yellow, green, and red walls
• reuniting with loved ones
• a loving Heavenly Father
• a loving Savior
• fast Internet
• technology that allows me to communicate with my family
• my scriptures
• my bright pink blanket
• the light in my students’ eyes when they “get it”
• teenagers
• school
• learning new things
• re-learning old things
• pain-free days
• Audible
• Bejeweled
• my laptop
• photographs
• chocolate peanut butter ice cream
• spaghetti with red sauce
• fleece
• clear sunny days
• the view of Redoubt
• watching the water from my classroom window
• catching up with old friends
• online shopping
• driving through mud puddles
• warm rain
• rainbows
• Primary Children’s Medical Center
• good music that uplifts me
• riding in the car with the windows down
• taking naps in the sun
• chocolate caramels
• quilting
• scrapbooks and scrapbooking
• the smells of spring
• lilacs
• listening to the thrushes (peepers) as they flit around the bird feeder
• long summer days
• the drone of an airplane on a warm summer day
• the squeals of someone catching a big fish
• ladybugs
• Sunday afternoon naps
• mashed potatoes
• the smell of old books
• the thrill of bringing in a fish
• crunchy fall leaves
• camping
• the Uinta mountains
• fireworks
• Christmas – lights, sounds, smells, wonder, magic
• good chocolate
• a clean house (just not the process to get it there)