I Get Sort of Homesick Sometimes . . .

Today, I was homesick. I still am for that matter. But, my homesickness is difficult to describe, I fear. I went to Coalville today -- first time back in a year. I lived there longer than I've lived anywhere else in my life. My children grew up there. My family became a family there. I became a grandmother there. I raised chickens, grew a garden, renovated a house, made friends, wept tears of joy and sorrow, and totally immersed my life in that community. But, I found that as I drove into the valley, my homesickness wasn't for the place, but for the people. I was excited to see my favorite hairdresser. I was excited to eat at my favorite restaurant and talk with some of my favorite people from church and school. I was excited as I walked the halls of North Summit and heard the whispers of the past years lingering through the empty, summertime halls. There were bittersweet feelings as I drove through the community. But, surprisingly enough, as I drove past the house, I smiled and didn't feel the heartache that I felt last summer as I drove away from my home. Instead, I murmured a prayer of gratitude that I'd had that place and then drove back down the canyon to my parents' home.

I pondered homesickness today. The feeling of being homesick is more of a yearning for the things that make us who we are. Sometimes I yearn for the home I had before my birth. Sometimes I get really homesick for the home of my youth when my brother, sister, and I fought like crazy, but then loved playing with each other as well. That's the home of Mom's cooking, reading under the bedcovers, making boats out of the couch cushions, pulling out the sofabed and having Dad sneak in to scare us, making tents out of the quilts, watching for Dad's police car to come home, fishing with the family, camping, laughing, and going on some of our rides just to turn around once we got there because we'd arrived and that was good enough. Sometimes I really miss that time and our family.

I get very homesick for the times when my children were little. Being around the grandchildren has a way of doing that to me, especially the past couple of days when I have snuggled Jonathan and Lucas. I hunger to hold my infants again and to whisper things that I've learned to help make their lives a little less stressful. I would love to cherish the time that they were growing up just a little longer, noticing every little milestone with a more intensive microscope so that I could preserve those precious little details more fully in my heart as they moved on to the next step. Where did those years go?

I have pondered often the past 10 1/2 years with Mike. Those years have flown by! I've learned how to savor the times that Mike and I are together, but even still, there are days that I wish I could slow the clock down so that I can have more. The years of the new combined family are years that I wish we could relive so that once again we could make the most of the times that we were together -- whether spending more time at the lake, camping, family vacations, Sunday dinners, playing games, following the boys' sports, cutting Christmas trees, and just being together. I get homesick for those times -- I think Sunday dinner is the one I miss the most. If I could go back, I'd relax a lot more, be less critical, say "I love you" even more, and give more hugs.

Even as I reflected on the past today, I found myself homesick for my current home. Ever since Mike first took me to Alaska, I was homesick for a place that wasn't even truly mine. I was just a visitor, but I yearned for it all the same. I'm homesick for my husband and for our time together. Even when our lives get hectic and we're running in different directions, I get homesick for Mike if I don't have a chance to get a hug. His arms are a haven for me, one that I miss when life gets too crazy or I'm away. The family thinks we're silly sometimes, but that's ok. We're steady.

I miss the people who have touched my life whether as momentary visitors in my world or those who touched it in large ways and have altered it forever. Childhood friendships, high school pals, college roommates, teaching buddies, church family, best friends, siblings, parents -- they all have helped to shape me into who I am today. I wish sometimes that I could go back to share with them the significance that they've had in my life. I've tried at various times to remember to tell people like the beautiful lady who dropped into my life at one point and shared a Young Women's activity with our family which helped to change my life and bring me back to church. It's nice to know when we touch a life for the good, so I have always wanted her to know. It was rewarding to see her reaction as I shared the memory with her and thanked her. She had had no idea that her fulfillment of her calling had meant so much to me. Still does.

I know that when I leave Utah in a few days, I will be ecstatic to be home again. But, in no time at all, I will feel the pangs of homesickness once again as I leave the next generation that has snared my heart. My beautiful little girls who first laid the word "gramma" on my ears with their sweet voices. The big wonderful eyes of little Jonathan, and the sweet, tender heart of our baby Lucas. They have marked themselves permanently upon my heart and I will forever miss them wherever I am, even when I'm just in the next room.

I get sort of homesick, sometimes ... all the time. But, you know, the lesson I've learned and that I'm still learning is that because of these feelings, I need to seize every moment and suck the marrow from life. If I do this, then during those moments of homesickness, I can be content knowing that I have created wonderful memories worthy of missing.

Heaven is a Place on Earth

I love those revelatory moments in life that come in odd moments like folding laundry when you suddenly realize that you’re happy. Simple things like listening to the radio and dancing to the tune as you go about your chores can bring wonderful insights. It doesn’t even matter that it’s snowing outside. It doesn’t matter that you’re living in a house you hate. It doesn’t matter that your children and grandchildren are far away. All is right with the world. Smoking volcanoes, eagles cruising across the view, the smell of purple hyacinths, mustaches, a student telling me how beautiful I am, a random hug from a kindergartner, coloring lady bugs, laughter, sea otters, watching the tide rolling in and out, tears, warm fingers, snuggling with my dog, a text message from a beloved child asking about General Conference, living with a priesthood holder who honors his priesthood, celestial families, the Atonement – how truly great life is.

How funny to have the music on the radio echo my sentiments –
“Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth?
Ooh heaven is a place on earth
They say in heaven love comes first
Well make heaven a place on earth
Ooh heaven is a place on earth”

Pondering

“Because I have been given much, I too must give…” I love that song! What a spiritually filling day today was. We heard so many wonderful testimonies, including and incredible group of Aaronic Priesthood holders who filled the back seats of the stand so that they could bear their testimonies. I couldn’t help but contrast these young men who shine with the light of the gospel in their lives with the boys that I teach. I have several young men who are great people but who lack the knowledge of the gospel. I wish that I could just stuff it into their heads, but I know that school isn’t the place for preaching. I just have to settle for setting the best example that I can.

Today’s Relief Society lesson was one that really struck a chord with me. It was based on President Uchtdorf’s talk at the General Relief Society meeting last fall. It’s titled “Happiness, Your Heritage” A couple of thoughts that I had as I listened to the lesson and again as I listened to President Uchtdorf’s talk as we drove home from church were how amazing it is when the right people are placed in the callings that they’re in, and that President Uchtdorf was definitely inspired as he prepared and delivered a talk that spoke to so many women who struggle with their own self-worth each day – me included.

President Uchtdorf spok of God’s happiness and how each of us can know it despite the trials that we’re asked to bear in our lives. He spoke of creating and being compassionate as two objectives which we should have in contributing to Heavenly Father’s perfect happiness. I know that the issue of creativity is something that a lot of people struggle with, especially those who think solely along the lines of a tangible object of art or music. So many people don’t realize that creating warmth in the home, friendships, joyful hearts, and strong family relationships are as important to God’s perfect happiness as those who are gifted with talents to produce tangible products. I love that President Uchtdorf emphasizes that each of us is given talents to create something – it’s just a matter of working to create where we are that is important for us to strive for. I thought about a comment that Meghan made once about not having any talents to put on display for a Young Women’s Evening of Excellence. Meg isn’t a crafty person, so her talents weren’t something tangible that she felt that she could display. Instead, she took a certificate that she was given in recognition of her work at the summit County Animal Shelter. She also took pictures of her with her nieces, showing how much she strives to create a relationship with them. I love President’s encouragement to start small in our creativity if we’re struggling to find ways to create and edify. “Try to see how many smiles you can create, write a letter of appreciation, learn a new skill, identify a space and beautify it.”

I also think about my own talents. I know that I’ve been given a talent to write. I also know that I’ve not utilized to the best of my abilities. I love to write, but I often make excuses for why I don’t get any writing done. I look at my binder of writing, and I find myself saddened to know that there isn’t a lot of writing for the past 10 years. But then again, I also look at the writing I did do in the early 90s. A lot of it was frustrations which were coming out as a result of the problems in my previous marriage. My happiness in my marriage to Mike have promoted a lot of thoughts and opportunities to write. Mike encourages me to write constantly, but I make excuses. I’ve grown out of the habit of journaling regularly. I’ve lost the ability to think in terms of things that I can jot down. I woke one morning with the dream of a story in my head. I also had the distinct impression that if I didn’t write this particular story, I would lose my gift. I set a goal to write 5 pages a week on the story. I’m still waiting for myself to get in gear to get some writing done. I make excuses such as time or lack of knowledge about the Book of Mormon (the setting for the story), when what I should be doing instead is to just get things written and the worry about filling in details afterward. I’ve made a lot of excuses over the years about writing once the kids are out of the house or not being able to write because the tv is always on and I need quiet in order to concentrate. Excuses. I just need to do it.

Sunrise or Moonset?

As I arrived in my classroom yesterday morning, I glanced out my window to see this incredible full moon. Mike and I have been watching the moon slowly gain its fullness over the past several days. We've been awed to see how bright and huge it is, especially in the mornings just before it sets. It's difficult to see the glow that the moon casts on the water behind the tree, and I know that the picture truly doesn't do the scene justice. I was just trying to capture it as quickly as I could from my open classroom window. Again, I'm constantly amazed at the things I've seen since I've been here in Alaska. I'm thankful that I can experience this place. I look out across the inlet every day and can honestly say that I have never seen the same view. There's always something different to catch my attention whether it's ice fog, otters, the incoming or outgoing tide, huge ice chunks in the subzero temperatures, bald eagles cruising across my line of sight, barges hauling oil, an enormous winter moon, or the grumbling Mt. Redoubt. It's all good!

Not Much To Say

I set myself a goal to try to update my blog each week. Well, not much is running through my head right now. I probably should do this when the thoughts strike me.

One thing that just hit me. This morning I was watching a BYU-I Devotional entitled "Angels in Waiting." The speaker quoted a line from President Monson, "You never know whose angel you're supposed to be." I've heard President Monson speak along those lines before. The idea that we're here to be of service to others is something I think that more of us need to act upon. I know that I need to do better about being of service or more importantly, acting upon the promptings that I receive to do something for someone else -- even if it's as simple as just saying hello and meeting another person's eyes. I've found that even the grumpiest person can be soothed with a smile, a hello, and a meeting of the eyes. There's just something about looking a person in the eyes -- it's the peering into another's soul, I guess, that can bring out the best in each of us. At least that's the attitude I want to take.

What can each of us do to lift others around us? Can we ask how someone is and genuinely mean it enough to stop and listen? Can we drive out of our way on a coveted day off to find a coat and socks for a child who goes to school without any? Can we mow the neighboring church's lawn (not our denomintation) when we don't think anyone else is paying attention? Can we handwrite a note to someone when we suddenly think of that person out of the blue, just to let him or her know that we're thinking of them? The things that we do for others don't have to be spectacular. I think the greatest challenge is to just do for others. There are so many examples of service to others. Why can't we all emulate our Savior who was the greatest among us yet served the least of us by His loving sacrifice? Humans have such great heart, but too many are becoming jaded by the world to allow Christ's spirit of service to enter into their hearts and lives. Just yesterday, I mentioned to my beautiful daughter that it's not just about serving others, but allowing others to serve us as well. This is a difficult concept to handle as well, especially when one is accustomed to trying to do everyone for oneself.

These are just some rambling thoughts, I guess. Maybe there is more in my brain than I thought. What I do know is that we need to be a more loving people and share more of ourselves with those around us. When we share a part of ourselves with another human being, we actually gain more back than what we gave.

My challenge to everyone is to be someone's angel. Look and listen for opportunities to lift another person each day. Pray for those opportunities, and remember that they don't have to be monumental tasks. Even a smile can brighten someone's day.

Response to Grant

Something that I've learned over the years as I've been trying to "grow up" is that the concept of being an adult was created by unhappy individuals. We find ourselves so consumed with doing the grown-up thing, that we forget to take the time to enjoy the simple things -- stomping in mud puddles, dancing in the rain, floating down a river in 100+ degree weather. We're so worried about meeting deadlines and working so that we can take a vacation. Instead, we should be taking advantage of the moments that are presented to us throughout a day to laugh and to appreciate all that God has given us. I understand that some things are necessary -- providing for our family's needs is the most important -- but there is joy in that journey as well.

I've also learned that it's important to not compromise who I am in order to be who I think I should be. Music, books, movies, and such that I've enjoyed in my life are every bit as important to me as everyone else's enjoyments are to them. I found that I put my interests aside too many times throughout my life in order to make sure that others were happy. I found myself denying that I enjoyed certain things simply because I didn't want anyone to mock me. And you know what, I missed out on so many simple pleasures because of this need to please others. I feel that at times I lost some of myself. But, thankfully, age allows for a little wisdom. I have come to realize over the years, especially the past 10 years with Mike, that I need not take myself nor life so seriously. I CAN take the time to play. Digging in the dirt, riding my 4-wheeler through ginormous mud bogs, rolling on the grass with my granddaughters, eating cookie dough, simply stopping along the highway to ponder a double rainbow, or a moose, or the mist rising from a pond -- these are things I need to make time for each day.

Laugh, my son! Play, love, and learn, but remember to stay balanced in all that you do. You will lose yourself if you don't maintain the proper balance.

I dug out some of my old poetry. I wrote this is 1992. I wish I had been more avid about living this concept, but I'm learning. I guess it's another one of those moments in my life where I want my children to learn from my mistakes, but recognizing that they need to make their own mistakes so that they may learn from them as well.

Anyway, here it is...

PLAY COUNTS!

Remember the child inside
who strives to come out

Don't forget --
recognize your innocence.

Adulthood should only be a
figment of Imagination.

Responsibilities labeled "Adult"
should only be addressed by

Children who have mastered
the art of Childhood!

Then, can one truly understand the
necessity of stress-free living.

"I Have Wandered. . .

. . . from a more exalted sphere."

I'm listening to the Sounds of Sunday on the BYU satellite radio station. The Mormon Tabernacle Choir came on singing my favorite hymn "O My Father" written by Sister Eliza R. Snow. So many times throughout my life, I've pondered the words of this song and felt such a strong yearning for Home.

I know that when I was younger, I was usually struck with the words of the second verse:

For a wise and glorious purpose
Thou hast placed me here on earth
And withheld the recollection
Of my former friends and birth;
Yet ofttimes a secret something
Whispered, “You’re a stranger here,”

I had such strong desires to push the veil aside to see what I'd forgotten. I remember at times I would sit on my bed in my room, close my eyes, and try with all of my might to push through to unblock my memories. I so look forward to the day that I “remember” all that I can’t remember now. My niece Jordan came to visit us a few years ago, right after my second granddaughter Mia was born. Jordan sat down with Mia who was just a couple of weeks old. Jordan looked up as she cradled Mia in her arms, and with tears sliding down her cheeks pondered aloud about Mia’s newness from our Father in Heaven and what she could tell us if she could talk. I remember feeling the same as I held my babies when they were tiny – what could they tell me about where they’d just come from. What did they still remember? My mother tells of my sister Michelle “talking to angels” when she was a baby. I don’t doubt that there’s still such a connection between the newly born and heaven.

Another aspect of the song that I’ve always loved is in the third verse as Sister Snow ponders our heavenly parentage and reasons that we must have a Heavenly Mother as well as our Father.

In the heav’ns are parents single?
No, the thought makes reason stare!
Truth is reason; truth eternal
Tells me I’ve a mother there.

I’ve pondered our Mother, as well, over the years. What is she like? How does she feel as she watches her children here upon the earth? I know how I feel as a mother when I watch my children choosing paths that I know will hurt them. I know the joy that I feel when I witness my children excelling and progressing in their lives. I know the wonder of tiny hands in mine as they excitedly tugged me toward their newest discoveries. I know the feel of those tiny hands growing into adulthood and still feeling the urge to grab my hand for a squeeze now and then. I know of the absolute, all-consuming love that I feel for my children, those of my body and those I have added to my heart through marriage, and I can’t help but have a glimpse into how our Mother must feel as well – mother to Mother.

I guess that as I've grown older, the final verse really strikes a chord as I ponder what my purpose is here on earth.

Then, at length, when I’ve completed
All you sent me forth to do,
With your mutual approbation
Let me come and dwell with you.

What exactly has been my mission and what is the direction that He would have me go in this chapter of my life? Will my Father be proud of what I’ve done with my life – what I’ve tried to do? I long to be physically wrapped within his embrace, but I know that it’s not time yet. I can wait. I love this life and the experiences that unfold daily around me. I’m thrilled to view each new sunrise and sunset, and I marvel that I am a part of this creation. I can only imagine what the Celestial kingdom will be like if I have the model of this earth to compare it to. God’s creations on earth are magnificent, so our heavenly home must be truly glorious!